


if you love him

by lequeenofmoondoor



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Bucky's POV, Character Study, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Not A Fix-It, One-Sided Attraction, POV Third Person, Peggy the Hulk and Sam are just mentioned, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Unrequited Love, not very happy, short fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-02-07 09:43:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18618073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lequeenofmoondoor/pseuds/lequeenofmoondoor
Summary: Bucky’s happy for Steve, he really is.That doesn’t mean that he isn’t devastated, too.//Spoilers for Avengers: Endgame





	if you love him

Bucky’s happy for Steve, he really is. Steve got the girl, married her and, judging by the look of it, lived a happy and fulfilling life. 

That doesn’t mean that he isn’t devastated, too. 

When Steve approached him with the stones after the funeral, Bucky knew. How could he not? Folks from the twenty-first century may have been fooled by the “righteous Captain America” act to be the only one to return the stones to their proper timelines, but to anyone who really knew Steve could see it written in the lines of his forehead, the clench of his jaw. How do you pull one over on someone who knows your hands better than their own, who can recite all of your best stories without skipping a beat? Of course, things had changed since the 1930s, but not enough. Not what really mattered. 

What was he supposed to say? No, don’t be happy? No, don’t make a selfish decision for once in your goddamn life? 

Bucky had always been the selfish one in their relationship. The first time they met, Steve had been trying to fight some guys twice his size who apparently had been bumping around an uninterested broad. Of course, he got the shit beaten out of him. A twelve-year-old with a bad case of asthma and a body diminished by illnesses over the years stood no chance against three nearly grown men. Being a bit of a magnet for trouble himself, Bucky couldn’t help but get involved. One of the men received a knee straight to the crotch, and another got a blow to the head, at which point they decided that it wasn’t worth the effort. 

With a little effort, he could recall the exact moment that he decided he was going to be friends with Steve Rogers. Memories weren’t always easy for Bucky to sort through, but it was getting better since leaving HYDRA. He was pretty sure that the Wakandan princess, Shuri, had done something to help, too. 

“I didn’t need your help. I had them on the ropes,” Steve had said as he spat out a glob of blood. 

Initially, Bucky was unimpressed. “I’m sure you did, squirt. Nothing wrong with needing an extra pair of hands, though. The name’s James Barnes, but most people call me Bucky.”

“Steve Roger. Thank you. I mean, I was handling it fine, but thanks anyway.” 

“Does that happen a lot? Getting your ass handed to you in back alleys, I mean.”

Steve had puffed his chest at that, as if getting beaten up was a prize or something. “I don’t like bullies, no matter how big they are.”

For a kid, he had a lot of fire in him. Bucky had never seen that before, such a strong personal moral compass and rebellious streak. Sure, the kid wasn’t physically big, but Steve’s presence took up enough space for at least three people. It was fascinating, it was unique, it was… It was something that Bucky couldn’t place his finger on and wouldn’t be able to for a few more years, but he knew enough to know that Steve Rogers was something special. Steve Rogers was someone you didn’t let get away. 

So yeah, Bucky was selfish. He wanted to keep Steve all to himself; none of the kids at school especially wanted anything to him, so it worked out. When they started dating, Bucky set his friend up with any random girl who would agree rather than going out of his way to find someone who might actually be a good fit. 

In their second to last year of school, Steve went steady with Martha Waters for a few weeks. Bucky was happy for him, of course. He had to share Steve, he guessed, but it wouldn’t be too bad. So what about the weird feeling in his stomach whenever he looked at Steve or the way his skin tingled whenever they accidentally brushed against each other? So what about the fact that he was a little jealous? Okay, maybe he was very jealous. But that was a completely normal feeling to have about your best friend.

Honestly, he should have figured it out sooner. 

They kept going out on double dates that Bucky would set up through school and until he got drafted. Sometimes Bucky went home with girls. Sometimes he didn’t. At one point, he thought that he might marry Susan Green. She was an artist with bright blue eyes that felt like they were staring into his soul; he tried not to think about the similarities between her and Steve. Maybe it was for the best that she ended up moving to New Jersey before he popped the question. 

Dates for Steve usually didn’t go as well. He would complain that the girls found him too morally outraged, too small, too clumsy to the point where he would trip over their feet in the dance halls. Bucky indulged him by letting him complain, but he always felt glad when they didn’t go well. He knew he was an awful friend, but Bucky couldn’t help it. He was selfish. 

Peggy was the first woman to look at Steve and see exactly what Bucky saw. It was no wonder that Steve fell for her: not only did she show him attention when no one else did, but she fought for him and by his side with the SSR. Peggy was fierce, refused to take shit from anyone, was immune to Bucky’s charms, and helped Steve when Bucky couldn’t. On paper, she was perfect and as smitten with Steve as he was with her. 

Out of sight of Sam and Banner-Hulk, Steve at least had the courtesy to ask him, “Am I making the right choice?” 

“No, you aren’t. I only just got you back after seventy long years of you being dead and me being a HYDRA plaything. You need to give me more time. I just need a little more time, and then I’ll be ready to give you up.” 

Is what he wanted to say, because Bucky has always been selfish. What he actually said was: 

“You gotta go with your gut, Steve. If it says Peggy, then it’s Peggy. You deserve to do something for yourself after all of this.”

Steve clapped him on the shoulder, the corners of his mouth tilting upwards. “Thanks, Buck. You’re the best.”

The best. If Bucky were really the best, he would have let Steve go a long, long time ago rather than trying to keep him for himself. Or he would have said something while he had the chance. 

Now he watches Steve step onto the platform, say his goodbyes that the others don’t know is a real goodbye, and disappears. Banner-Hulk starts smashing buttons on the machine in frustration when no one returns and Sam is freaking out, so Bucky is the first one to notice the old man staring out at the water. Right where Steve said he would be. 

Bucky gives Sam the first chance to go over and speak to him; he’s on a selfless kick apparently, so why not continue it? He sees Sam get the shield and can’t help but feel a twinge of envy. It makes sense that Wilson would become the new Captain America. He’s dedicated with loyalty to what the whole character stands for and can fly. He’s the right choice. Plus, Bucky’s killed too many people in the past to really be considered for the position. He’s pretty sure than not being an international assassin is one of the requirements for being a real superhero. 

He waits his turn, lets Sam have a nice conversation and lets him leave, before going over and taking a seat next to Steve. He ignores the pit that settles itself deep into his stomach.

“How’s she doing?” Bucky asks, keeping his voice down. 

“Lost her a couple of years ago. But it’s okay, it really is. We had a long time together, and it’s more than I could have asked for. And I have a strong support network with her family and some of the old guys who go to the VA. I’m doing good, Buck, I really am.”

“You don’t look a day over seventy.”

“Do I ever feel it, though.”

They sit in silence for a few minutes and stare out at the lake. The water shines in the sunlight and it’s wrong, it just feels so wrong to Bucky who feels like he just lost a part of himself. He contemplates before asking: 

“Do you regret it?”

The reply is immediate. “No. Not for a second.”

Bucky makes the mistake of hesitating. “Good. Good. It’s really great that you got your happy ending.”

“Something wrong?”

“Nah, I’m just trying to wrap my head around everything. You’ve only been gone a little while to us, even if it was a lifetime to you.”

“You’ll get your happy ending too, Buck. I know it.”

Could I, if it doesn’t include you in it? 

Bucky doesn’t notice that he’s zoned out until Steve says, “I should get headed back into the city. While it may sound lame to you, I have a gardening meeting. Tony would say that I’ve officially joined the old man club. Let me know if you ever need anything, okay?”

“I will. Take care, Steve.”

His eyes track Steve as he leaves until there’s nothing to see anymore. He stays on the bench for a while. At least, it’s long enough that Sam comes out and persuades him to come back to Tony’s house for the night. 

Bucky knows, logically, that he’ll have to move on with his life, move on from the man who defined most of his conscious adult life and the man that he may or may not have been in love with. 

But Steve had Peggy, and Sam has the shield. Bucky has nothing but a metal arm and a broken heart. 

Bucky’s happy for Steve, he really is. 

But that doesn’t mean that he isn’t completely lost, too.

**Author's Note:**

> Good morning, everyone!
> 
> I got out of Endgame at 2:30 am, cried for 20 minutes about how much I love Steven Grant Rogers and everything he does, and then started writing this because I realized how sad I was about Bucky, who came back to life but kind of got abandoned.   
> (Also I love Peggy and Steve but I am riding on multiple ships and wanted to account for both of them.)
> 
> If anyone would like to sob with me over Steve, please let me know.


End file.
